Tango's First Class

[Hikaru]

Alrighty Tango, come on in. Welcome and all ^^ Just a few things first... although I will try my best to help you improve and all, keep in mind I'm not going to hold back or lie to you about anything. So, if you have something to work on, that's what we'll focus on for a while until you're confident in that area. So...

First, I'm not sure exactly where you are yet, so if you'd just type up a paragraph or so to demonstrate where you are. It needs to be about five sentences. You can make it longer if you wish, just don't get too carried away and such. Mostly its just a sort of paragraph to show your grammar and description skills. It can be whatever you want it to be and about whatever you wish.

Also, I'd like it if you didn't use the spell check. Although it is there for absolute convenience and all, we'll be using it a bit later on. =3

Remember, have fun! ^^ Roleplay is always about fun. That's my one rule XD Have as much fun as possible without breaking the rules.

[Tango]

[glow=blue,1,300]
The wind crashed by, scorning the trees. A dark figure approached the woods, staring, watching. A bird flew through the air, softly touching the tree branch that it perched upon. The figure smirked. It stepped out of the shadow, it looked like a demon, but also looked like a horse. Although it was not part demon. It had big dragon wings. It was half dragon, half horse. You could barely tell that it was part horse. He stepped aside of the shadows, and unfolded his wings. He flew into the air, catching and gulping down a bird that was soaring in the air, as he went up.[/glow]

[Hikaru]

Hmm, good post you have there ^^ Its descriptive and I like it. Your character seems both interesting and intriguing. I like the way you made the surrounding seem ominous so as to enhance the character.

However... well before I get to the actual post I'm going to point out your coloring. Since your character is dark, I don't think lavendar is a very good color for roleplaying with him. But that's up to you... BESIDES THAT..

On your post. The thing I noticed most was your way of being redundant. Now, this can sometimes be good in a post when used properly. For example: (I won't be doing a complete post as the concept is centering on redundancy ^^)

As he stood there, his breath coming in quick short breaths, he couldn't help but be afraid. Afraid that he would never be able to escape. Afraid that his world would always be black. Afraid this storm of his heart would never diminish.

See how afraid is redundant, but to be more precise and get the point across better? If you're wondering where you were redundant... it's where you were describing that the creature was half-dragon, half-horse. See if you can find it ^^

Let's just work on that for now since I don't want to overload you. But besides that, I really do like your post. Its very descriptive and the scene is evident ^^

[Tango]

Before:

[glow=blue,1,300]
The wind crashed by, scorning the trees. A dark figure approached the woods, staring, watching. A bird flew through the air, softly touching the tree branch that it perched upon. The figure smirked. It stepped out of the shadow, it looked like a demon, but also looked like a horse. Although it was not part demon. It had big dragon wings. It was half dragon, half horse. You could barely tell that it was part horse. He stepped aside of the shadows, and unfolded his wings. He flew into the air, catching and gulping down a bird that was soaring in the air, as he went up.[/glow]

After:

[glow=red,2,300]
The wind crashed by, scorning the trees. A dark figure approached the woods, staring, watching. A bird flew through the air, softly touching the tree branch that it perched upon. The figure smirked. It looked like a demon, but also looked like a horse. Although it was not part demon. It was half dragon, half horse, with large wings of a dragon. You could barely tell that it was part horse. He stepped aside of the shadows, and unfolded his wings. He flew into the air, catching and gulping down a bird that was soaring in the air, as he went up. [/glow]

OOC: is that better??

[/b]

[Hikaru]

For color and such, yes that's better ^^ Its not really that big of a deal... its just, it helps create a mood in roleplay better when you do as much as possible to really bring out that character. Anyway...

Now, aside from the coloring and such, let's focus on the actual post =) As I said above, you seem to have a few struggles with redundancy. I know you already know what that is, but just to give you a thought on it:

Redundancy: def. - the inclusion of more information than is necessary for communication

Lots of information is good, especially described with adjectives and such, but when pressing it too far, it sometimes can get to be a bit too much xD

So... do you know exactly what part I'm talking about? ^^

[Tango]

Yes I know what you mean but how is "It was half dragon, half horse, with large wings of a dragon" redundant, Before it was "It had big dragon wings. It was half dragon, half horse" so.. I mean saying that it's half dragon, half horse and then emplimising it's wings is just part of describing him, not redundancy. I am not trying to be too correcting but I just don't understand how it is redundant compared to the first try... ^^; sorry if I am annoying, I am working on that.. ehe..

[Hikaru]

Nah you're not annoying... perhaps I didn't explain myself ^^ Basically... let me set an example for you and maybe it'll help. If not just say so xD Sorry if I don't explain myself... anyway...

Here's what you have: It was half dragon, half horse, with large wings of a dragon. You could barely tell that it was part horse.

My example: From its appearance, one might be able to tell that this animal was half dragon, half horse, though the dragon was far more evident, with its large billowing dragonic wings that were itching to be used in flight.

I don't think you were really redundant in the description, as much as your choice of words. In roleplay, your choice of words is very important. Instead of using 'it' so much, try to bring in the gender of the creature a bit sooner than at the very end. Also, instead of using only 'he' or 'it' throughout the paragraph, try to use other words to use for it. If you don't feel like revealing his name, then that's okay, just as long as you don't make it all too much the same. For example:

Your words: He stepped aside of the shadows, and unfolded his wings. He flew into the air, catching and gulping down a bird that was soaring in the air, as he went up.

Before I put an example, I just want to say, you could combine both of those into one sentence to make it more smooth XD

My example: The creature stepped aside of the shadows, unfolding his great wings and flew into the air, catching and gulping down a bird as he went. He had no care for the poor bird, whom had been soaring about merily in the air only moments before.

I'm not saying you have to do it exactly like I do xD Every writer has their own voice and way of writing... but its important to remember that however you choose to write will leave an impression on whoever reads it.

If you have any questions or suggestions for me just say ^^

[Tango]

okee, I get it now.. ehe, sorry I am a fast learner but sometimes it's hard to understand certain things, anyways.. umm okay, what next?